We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
