Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Moan for me like Helen Keller
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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