I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
