Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
