i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
