Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
