guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
