You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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