I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
