Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
