So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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