He asked me if I "almost moaned"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Im part way to drunk.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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