You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
