I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
