You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
