when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
