he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
