i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
