Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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