my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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