My friends, they love my intelligence
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
