Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
