Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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