She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
