Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
