i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
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