I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
where are you?
Hypothermia
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
