I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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