I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
