Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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