Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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