The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Randomize
