Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
