Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
