He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
