I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
