she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
