take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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