that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
