??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
