Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
