Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
accomplished twins. life is a go
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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