fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Too much gin, very little bucket
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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