So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
