Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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