Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
