Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
