I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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