you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.