The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He better not be in your backpack
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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