i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
