i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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