My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize