when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
