You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
