Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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